SoakingIn

A New Beginning

The old journal seemed to not be suiting me too well so I decided to start something new. Anyone who knows me can testify to the fact that I suck at updating these kind of things. Writing always seems to help me but there is so much of me that is hesitant to let the entire world into my feelings. I have a hard enough time letting people I trust read what I am truly thinking. Honestly, there isn't one person who knows everything about me. Different people know different things. It's not so much that there are things I don't want to tell people things, it's just that a lot of things don't come up in conversation. I've decided that I have learned things at college, things not involving science and math and engineering:

1. It's possible for me to have a group of friends. I'm so used to simply having a very close friends and a large group of acquantences (yes I spelled that wrong). After coming here I have found a group of friends, such that I can hang out with all of them and never feel left out, one of my biggest pet peeves.

2. College is more work than I anticipated.

3. Not so much something I realized but something that I am glad about. For a long time Kelley and I weren't talking civily, if at all. Now, I don't know what exactly changed but things are back to normal. We have that weird crazy relationship I was used to in high school. It's so amazing to talk to her until 4 in the morning again. Honestly, I have always trusted Kelley and her advice and recently her advice has been very helpful. I have this problem where I hate to make decisions so I try to make other people do them for me, try being the operative word. In things when I need to make my own choices I do, sometimes it's hard but I do it.

4. Sometimes you have to watch out for yourself. I have always, and probably will always, be the mom for my friends. I take care of them, and knowing that my friends are happy makes me happy. I'm not going to lie, I am an ultimate people pleaser. I hate thinking that people are mad at me or people are upset because of my actions. But watching out for other people means that I often put myself on the back burner. With Lindsay and all of her "problems" I have had to put myself on the back burner for a long time, 5 or 6 years almost. One thing I hate, absoluteley HATE, is when I am trying to talk to someone, simply so there is someone who is listening, and they listen to what I have to say and then tell me that their problems are worse. I don't fucking care how bad your problems are, who are you to diminish what I am feeling simply because it is not worse than what is wrong with you. (random bitter moment, I applogize)

5. No matter how much I tried to admit it would happen, I have changed since coming to Rose. When looking forward to college and thinking that I would change I refused to admit that it would happen simply because I only saw it as a bad thing, but it's not. I fail to see how the way I have changed is a bad thing. Honestly, I see it as a good thing. I am happier here (for the most part) than I have been in a long time.

6. All the people I got mad at, refused to listen to, and swore were wrong.... yeah, they were right. College is a time to find yourself, without being held down. I was presented with freedom that I was not accustomed to and I really enjoy it.

7. This isn't something I realized but something I need to work on. I need to be more upfront, let people know how I feel. I wait because I am afraid of what people will think or feel, but I need to learn to put myself out there and not be scared.

8. I really want things to work out. I know I just have to see where things go but I'm not going to lie, there is a way I would prefer for it to work out.

I think I officially ran out of things to say, hopefully the next entry will be less than a week away but as I mentioned, I suck at these things.

posted by Anne @ 12:29 AM