SoakingIn

Challenge

Warning: I got a little sidetracked while writing this so it may have gone a little "sappy", I appologize if this bothers you

Before I started dating Zach I thought of love as a fairy tale world, everything is fine and dandy and sunshine and butterflies. Well, if the last 10 months have shown me nothing else, at least they have shown me that this is not true. Not that this is a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but it's not something I was anticipating.

Love is work, it's very scary for me to think of it like that but it's true. You are two people in a relationship, of course it's not going to be perfect all of the time, but that doesn't mean that it has to end.

It's extremely scary for me to fall in love. I am rendering myself practically powerless because I am giving away my heart and soul. By saying the words "I love you" I don't mean I kinda like you know and you are cool to hang around with. When I say "I love you" I mean it, with every bone, with every fiber, with every molecule of me. I mean it from the depth of my soul, I am truly, madly, deeply in love with you. I would put myself in front of you if it meant saving your life, I would give up all that I have to make you happy. Love is not a temporary thing, it is permanent. As much as my pessimistic side dislikes the fact that I'm thinking about my future with Zach it is still happening. No matter what happens though, I know that I will always love him. I have honestly never felt the feelings I have when I simply look into his eyes. Seeing him smile send shivers down my spine and tingles to my heart. But opening yourself up to someone this deeply means that getting hurt means being extremely hurt. Like I said, I have never felt so strongly about anyone before; I have been extremely hurt before so I can only imagine the pain that would come if something like that were to happen now. Once again, don't get me wrong, I'm not anticipating this happening, it's just a thought tangent.

Anyway, the whole point of this was not about being hurt, it was about love being work. It just always seemed like loving someone, being in a relationship with someone, should be fun. You should just get along and be perfect together. I think that as I have grown older I have strayed further and further away from the idea of a soul mate. I can't believe that there is one person out there that I am meant to be with. Yes, I do believe that I will spend the rest of my life with one person but that doesn't mean that it was predestined for me. If this is true then my ideas about love being easy would go out the window because as soul mates wouldn't you always get along? I guess I just like to think that I get to make the decision of who I fall in love with and who I stay with.


I think I'm going off on a lot of tangents, damn brain working faster than the fingers.

Back to the love being work part though, I'm willing to work at it. I know that it's only going to get harder, and that's scary because I already don't like the level of difficulty now. But now all I have to fight with is TRM and school work, soon I'll have to fight with a real job that he loves; a job that moves him around the world on some messed up schedule. {Note: This is not set in stone yet because he doesn't actually have a job yet but I hope he does, as much as I am dreading having to deal with him being on co-op and leaving I want this for him. This is his passion and seeing him enjoy something so much would make me very happy.} But hopefully I'll be able to handle that, being there when he randomly comes home on a wednesday night or something, and when he can only talk from noon to 1pm cause of the time zone he is in. I guess I just try to look past those times. Because I'll only have to deal with him being on co-op for a couple of months, and being gone while I'm in school for the same amount of time. I guess I see that, relatively, that's not a lot of time because there's all the time afterwards.

I think that I have sufficiently sapped myself out for today, goodnight.

Random fact: Being mildly-anal-retentive was bad for me today, I actually got hurt. It's kinda funny if you know the story though, at least Katie thought it was funny.

posted by Anne @ 10:36 PM