I don't say some things because I don't want to be judged for how I feel.
If you think I am too dependent because I am sad that I won't talk to you for 10 days then so be it, I am overly dependent then. But I fail to see how I'm wrong in being upset about that.
I hope you have fun.
Something that I found...
“One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”
It's Christmas Time Again
Well, as you can tell from the title I'm sure you know what time it is, or rather what day it is. So Merry Christmas everyone! As great as I'm sure it is going to be, there is a big part of my Christmas isn't here and it will be, at the very least, incomplete.
Anyway, I had the first family Christmas even tonight, the biggest and most traditional. I finally met my uncle's significant other, or whatever she is. (She was wearing a ring but the two of them swear up and down that they're not engaged). My uncle looked a lot better than the last time I saw him (Thanksgiving) but that doesn't mean that all is well. He is still drinking, heavily. I wish that there was something that I could do to help him but I'm of no use. He is wasting his life away one sip at a time and I can't watch that happen to another person that I care about.
My aunt brought her other half as well, it's really hard to determine which one of them is the better half because neither of them is much good. They stuck around for food and presents and then immediately took off.
The cousins are... their normal self. Michael is distant, Kelly is Kelly, and Brian is drunk. Kevin is only 3 months from getting his license (terrifying, I know) and in a few months All of the cousins will be teenagers.
My grandpa looks a lot better than I saw him last and will apparently be able to move to a cane sometime soon.
On the way home though, I talked to my parents a lot about my upbringing and such and began to talk to them about my grandma (who died before I was born). I was named after her, Anne Marie, partially because my mom wanted in some way to believe that her mother was still with her after she died. This turned out to be more appropriate than either of my parents imagined. Apparently I am my grandmother, more than anyone could have expected. My mom said that I am my grandma born in the time period she deserved to live in. My grandmother went to college, in the 50's, something unheard of in those days for a woman, but was faced with far too much controversy to put her education to good use. She was forced to simply stay at home and raise the children, which made it even harder when she died because she was the rock that the entire family stood on.
I guess that in some way I'm extremely complemented that my mom told me that she reminded me so much of her mother.
I wish I had met her, I really really do.
Maybe that's what I should have wished for for Christmas...
Sometimes, (insert self-demeaning comment here)
I didn't intend for things to happen this way and I can't help but feel ridiculed for how I feel.
I'm not understood because I have high morals and I value specific things that should be entirely personal.
Things I say are taken to a whole new level.
I don't know if I believe that people can change entirely. I guess it has been shown to me that you can't change a person, or they can't really change themselves either. I'm not saying people can't change at all, just that I don't think that people can change 100%.
Hypocritical Scumbag
That's how I felt/thought last night...
yeah.... I know
What to do
So I have a suspicion, a rather supported one, but only a suspicion none the less.
This puts me in a very awkward situation though because I have a feeling I am not supposed to know whatever it is that I suspect.
So what do I do?
...I think that one of my friends is cheating on his/her significant other...
Do I talk to that person about it? Do I contact their significant other? Do I let it go completely? And if I do bring it up how do I even go about that? Because I wasn't there, I don't know what's going on for sure. It's a shitty situation that I feel bad for even getting into, whether or not I even wanted to.
I'm going to have to figure out what to do, althought what to do might simply be keeping my mouth shut for a little while. This is not exactly the most opportune moment to be presented with this anyway, way too much shit to do.
But break won't be good either.
How hard is it to be honest and faithful?
No joke, this makes me doubt the goodness in people a little.
Thanks...
Noticing A Trend
Am I really that horrible of a person?
Do people really think that my words and actions are, even subconsciously, an active attempt to harm them?
And if this is true then why do people put up with me?
I am trying to work here but overcomig my past indiscretions is not easy in the slightest bit. I do and say things to clarify myself beyond what I have ever done before. I work hard not to be upset and to be completely honest when I am about what happened to get me that way. It honestly hurts that even a part of people thinks that my words and actions are a direct attempt to hurt them.
I thought I was a people pleaser. Apparently that doesn't hold true for the people that I love.
So if any of this is true, which I hope and pray that it isn't, what do I do next. If I'm only going to hurt the people that I love should I not be able to love anymore?
Maybe it all just comes back to the saying that, "love is pain."
