SoakingIn

Time

So apparently I am a different person now than I was a month ago...

posted by Anne @ 9:17 AM 0 comments

Short

I have to finish getting ready for class so I don't have much time to write, but I wanted to note something. I hope I am not as petty and shallow as people around me. Things that I believe should be taken seriously is taken like a game for some people, which is fine if it suits them but it doesn't suit me.

As an additional comment, I have been in an extremely weird mood recently, more laid back.. not depressed because it's not to that extreme but perhaps something along those lines. I was originally attributing it to being a "girl thing" but I know that's not it anymore. Meh has been the word of the day for a few days now..

posted by Anne @ 9:05 AM 0 comments

Ill

So Anne feels sick
and is sad cause she feels sick
and is lonely cause she tried to feel better by shutting herself in
and is sad cause she is lonely and bored
it's a bad cycle

posted by Anne @ 10:46 PM 0 comments

Update Please

So it's been a long time since I journaled and I felt the sudden urge to write something other than my research paper (not that I'm really writing much for that now anyway).

To start off, to vent to my online journal, I want to mention last night. There is no use in going into detail about it, because I know what I know and what I don't know I don't care to know (yeah, try following that one). Whatever happened happened and while I am not proud of myself for it, and while I feel horrible for putting people in a situation I know I would not like to be in (which I am greatful for), I learned from my mistakes. The anger I have towards myself for it, and the physical pain I am currently going through has made me realize that I will never drink that much again. I knew my limits, I just didn't know I had reached my limits. But that's over and done with, I feel better now, I can almost be ok with it and laugh at myself for it, there's nothing I can do about it now except use the information I gained in the future.

School is annoying the shit out of me. I hate classes, and I hate homework. I love Rose because of the people here and it sucks that Rose itself is keeping me from spending a lot of time with these people. I know that I am here to get a good education, and I am eternally greatful for the opportunity I have been given, but it sucks what you have to go through to get it.

I am questioning my choice for a career. Ok, questioning is the wrong term to use because I don't know what I want for a career, but I'm wondering if engineering is right for me. I don't want to spend my life in a cubicle, I would get bored off my ass. I don't know if I would even be good at engineering. I second guess myself a lot, random thought.

It was really nice the other night to talk to Kristen, it's been a while since I had true uninhibited "girl talk", although... everything I said to Kristen didn't necessarily stay with Kristen, which honestly doesn't bother me beyond the fact that it just makes me feel a tad uncomfortable/embarassed.

I am taking things one day at a time because I'm scared. I've always been scared of the future, because it means having goals, because it means having hopes and expectations. I don't want to expect anything because I don't want to be let down.

Other than previously mentioned complaints, things are good in the world of Anne. I'm really happy, I've been smiling a lot lately =). I could go into detail of why I've been smiling but
1. anyone who reads this probably already knows, and if they don't know me well enough to know something that simple, then maybe they shouldn't be reading my journal.
and 2. Then I feel sappy and corny for writing about being happy.

For now, I think I'm through...

posted by Anne @ 9:22 PM 0 comments

Frustration

I spent a good amount of time yesterday doing those stupid journal entries and ended up not posting a single one of them. They're the ones where you're given a list of 100 things and you bold the ones that are true about you, or you answer completely pointless questions. While those surveys may give some kind of insight into the mind of Anne, and give pertinent information, I still find them completely useless. Some of the questions are appropriate, but others... such as "which do you prefer, adidas or nike?" are so trivial and won't actually give insight into my mind.

The real purpose of this post was not to talk about the several hours I wasted yesterday answering meaningless questions.

Why is it that people feel everyone else's business must also be theirs. I understand by having this blog I allow anyone with access to the internet to read my personal feelings (most of which I tend to leave out for that exact reason). While I allow people to read this, and while I tell people things beyond the journal entries, that does not mean I am giving people permission to meddle in my life. I do not want people to tell me how to live my life. I have done that, lived by following others, I won't do it again. I don't want people to tell me why I made the decisions I made. They are my decisions, no one elses, and obviously I know why I made them. I realize people are going to think what they want about me and about things I have done, but unless I ask for an opinion, I don't need to be told one. As arrogant as it sounds for me to say, it's my life. And as even more arrogant it sounds for me to say, people need to know their place. I fail to see how my decisions are affecting people who I no longer speak to. I let people into my life who I truly care about. Those are the people I tell things to, the people I trust, the people's who's opinions matter to me, but my opinion matters most.

An addition to the post: Recently I was listening to a song by Panic! At the Disco and this line came up that I liked, "I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck", don't ask me why I like it, it just stuck out to me. So being hyper I was talking to Ashlee and said I was going to make it my away message, and it ended up being that I should make it my profile, so I did, not thinking anything about it, there's nothing to be thought. I'm not saying that's about me, or anyone else for that matter, just that I liked the line. Well, apparently there are people who don't like it. Now these people don't mention anything to me, they don't ask me questions, no... they fucking make assumptions. Because that is my profile, these people (mind you I don't know who they are) have decided that I am a bitch. Well whoever you are, if you fucking care about me you can ask me and not make fucking asumptions and make me into the person you want me to be so you can have an excuse to fucking hate me!

posted by Anne @ 3:43 PM 0 comments

Old Stuff

I spent a few hours tonight looking over the old journal and deviantart site reminiscing about the past few years. My thoughts and feelings have changed since then and reading some of the stuff was actually difficult. It's hard to believe I once held in that much hate and sadness. The old poetry was particurally depressing. When I wrote it was either out of sadness or pain, mainly pain. Reading it all took me back and I'd rather not have those feelings again. It took me a long time to move past those emotions and it would not be good to set myself in that position again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I was headed back in that direction - not at all. It would take a lot more than reading old stuff to ever set me back that far, or at all. I'm honestly happy now, in so many ways I never thought I could be. Parts of me are still not 100% happy but I don't think it's normal for every part of a person to be happy. If you are never sad, never angry, how can you ever truly know happiness? You can't find out what's good if you don't have something to compare it to. I don't really know where I was headed with this post but I'm tired so I think it's time for me to head off to bed.

posted by Anne @ 1:50 AM 0 comments

Random Tests

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor. You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.

posted by Anne @ 12:06 AM 0 comments