SoakingIn

Something I realized in talking to people over break...
I am a very honest person but sometimes if you want to know something, you have to ask. I will always tell the truth, but sometimes I am not the kind of person to bring something up.

posted by Anne @ 1:02 AM 0 comments

Blue and Yellow

I love this song too much to stop listening to it, even though it became my sad song a long time ago. No matter what mood I am in when I listen to this song it can always calm me down.

and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you

posted by Anne @ 5:07 PM 0 comments

Hot and Sweaty

So, tonight was my first night of actually making it to IM volleyball, holy crap I miss volleyball. Since I was like 8, volleyball is just something I have been good at. It's frustrating to play when there are a lot of people because I don't get to play as much but it's still fun. As much as I hate feeling like I need to shower, I love getting really sweaty and gross from playing volleyball. I always feel so accomplished if I come from playing volleyball and I can barely breathe and I'm bright red and sweating. It's a great way to forget about things and to take out any agression I might have. I found out that Rose has a spring volleyball team and I think I might be going out for that. But for right now, I will be going to bed very happy for a number of reasons =).

posted by Anne @ 11:51 PM 0 comments

Change

I find the idea that the more things change the more they stay the same very true right now. Even though things have changed, even though I have changed, deep down I am still the same old Anne. I have reverted to my common doubting Anne, for reasons I won't even begin to say here. If anyone actually cares enough, I'll be willing to talk about it, but I'm not simply going to list the faults I see in myself here.

posted by Anne @ 11:31 PM 0 comments

Life isn't always fair

this sucks, I don't have class tomorrow until 1:30, it's 9:00 and I'm bored off my ass!
I wish I could write about something but I can't focus enough because I am hyper.
I need something to do, and homework is out of the question because that's what I have been doing up until this point.
I'm contemplating going running, even though I hate running and only do it when I am pissed off (it's a great way to take out agression), but since I'm not pissed off I don't want to run, but it would be a good way to expend energy.
^These are the circles I have been running my mind in for the past few freaking hours!
I'd love to say that all is fine and dandy in the world of Anne but I am far too much of a perfectionist for things to ever be that way.

posted by Anne @ 9:17 PM 0 comments

Hazy

I don't really know what to feel right now. I honestly can't seem to motivate myself for school this quarter, and none of my classes seem to be pushing me to motivate myself, and I'm so afraid that it will come back to bite me in the ass. I don't feel like I am working this quarter, and I should be. Basically my goal for this is as follows:
I am going to try to motivate myself in the week I have left, where I will have a test in at least three of my four classes, and if that doesn't work then I will motivate myself during/after Christmas break for sure.
Meh, enough about school for right now, I finished most of my homework and I will start reading for the last part after I finish writing in here.
This weekend was interesting to say the least, but interesting in a good way. I was planning on giving a run through of my weekend but that would take way more time than I care to spend writing on this but instead I think I shall just write about anything random that pops to my mind about this weekend.
Despite everything I held against it for a long time, I did drink this weekend at Sexy Santa and I did have fun. I don't think I really got drunk, just happy and tipsy, although I did learn that alcohol and heels don't mix well (my feet are killing me).
I spent a lot of time this weekend with Zach, and by a lot of time I mean practically the whole weekend. I really like him, he makes me smile a lot and I enjoy spending time with him. Despite the fact that I talked to him a little bit about it, our "relationship" still confuses me. I remember him telling me sometime that he doesn't like titles but sometimes I think they make things less complicated, at least when it comes to me because then I know what is going on. I was with him when two different people asked him if we were dating and he said "I guess", which seeing as how difinitive of an answer that is I think I can justify my confusion. He makes me smile a lot.
I'm looking forward to break but at the same time I don't know if I am. It's going to be weird going home and I know I am going to miss people here. I will get to hang out with Kelley over this break, which should be fun, and hopefully with people from high school who I didn't see over thanksgiving.
I don't really know what else to write about right now, hopefully I will be able to write more later.

P.S. If anyone reads this, feel free to comment on it. I would love insight and it would be interesting to see if anyone even reads it.

posted by Anne @ 7:57 PM 1 comments

Irony

I find it very ironic that I am writing a journal online to avoid doing a project about online addictions such as blogging.... Maybe it's just me though.

I have decided that I am weird, and not necessarily in a good way. I don't know, I say I just decided this but truth be told I'm sure I already knew it. Maybe people see it differently, and obviously it's not too bad cause there are at least a handful of people who like me, right? I don't know, today has been like a mini roller coaster. I haven't been depressed or anything but I did semi-crash. I was realllly excited when I was walking back from class because it was snowing. I adore snow, I feel pretty in snow, call me strange but I do. It's something with the snow in my hair, I can't explain it and I really don't want to try. Now though, I'm calm, almost tired, something along those lines. Meh, don't want to type but don't want to do homework.
Kelley and I have a girl coming tonight for SWE and she is going to stay with us over night. We thought it would be funny if we had a huge sleepover in our room that basically invloved a lot of guys sleeping on the floor, but then we decided that might be mean and she might feel uncomfortable. Hopefully this girl doesn't value sleep or quiet because she probably won't be getting either of them. Meh, typing a lot, I dont want to type a lot because that means there is a lot to read, although I doubt that many if any people read this.

More sometime later

posted by Anne @ 6:25 PM 0 comments

Mood

I am in an unbelievably good mood... it's amazing
You see, I got to sleep late today so I got a lot of sleep, I had homework but I decided that I got enough of it done and I didn't care, then I went shopping with Kelley and got the rest of my Sexy Santa outfit, which I love by the way. So I came back to Blum in a good mood, finished my homework, then did laundry (yay for having clean clothes again). Then, I cleaned my room. As stupid as it sounds, cleaning makes me happy. I'm not as tidy as I would like to be but I looove having a clean room, so having this amazingly clean room has put the biggest smile on my face. That and I have just been in a generally good mood recently, it's pretty awesome. =)

posted by Anne @ 11:14 PM 0 comments

Confusion

3rd post in two days, actually one day, i rock =)
kinda sorta
I understand the concept of time, of waiting, but at the same time that doesn't mean I like it. I don't like feeling like I need to hide my feelings. I understand why I am waiting, I don't want people to think I don't. At the same time it just sucks. I just don't see why it is such a bad thing right now. Kelley and I were talking last night about how sometimes the best way to deal with something is to deal with it with someone who understands what you are going through. I honestly wish I knew what to say here, I have so many thoughts in my head but I can't seem to make any of them come into words. I hate bringing it up because I not only feel like I am a pest, but also because it means that I am putting myself out in the open. I guess that it all comes down to me wanting something, but then again I suppose everyone is always wanting something.

posted by Anne @ 10:13 PM 0 comments

Random Quotes from the Old Journal I Find Oddly Appropriate

I actually really hurt myself today, all joking aside. It's better now, but i had my razor on the outside of my shower tote thing and i was hanging it up and my razor sliced my arm a couple of times. As of this moment it's just really red and it hurts like a bitch. :'(

"Maybe when I'm done with endings this can begin"

"Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how i feel"

"We've hurt ourselves, and I feel the sting ofbroken hearts and burning wings... ".

"But a smile never grins without tears to begin
For each kiss is a cry we all lost"

"But you can let it keep you weighted down. You must go on"

posted by Anne @ 3:59 PM 0 comments

A New Beginning

The old journal seemed to not be suiting me too well so I decided to start something new. Anyone who knows me can testify to the fact that I suck at updating these kind of things. Writing always seems to help me but there is so much of me that is hesitant to let the entire world into my feelings. I have a hard enough time letting people I trust read what I am truly thinking. Honestly, there isn't one person who knows everything about me. Different people know different things. It's not so much that there are things I don't want to tell people things, it's just that a lot of things don't come up in conversation. I've decided that I have learned things at college, things not involving science and math and engineering:

1. It's possible for me to have a group of friends. I'm so used to simply having a very close friends and a large group of acquantences (yes I spelled that wrong). After coming here I have found a group of friends, such that I can hang out with all of them and never feel left out, one of my biggest pet peeves.

2. College is more work than I anticipated.

3. Not so much something I realized but something that I am glad about. For a long time Kelley and I weren't talking civily, if at all. Now, I don't know what exactly changed but things are back to normal. We have that weird crazy relationship I was used to in high school. It's so amazing to talk to her until 4 in the morning again. Honestly, I have always trusted Kelley and her advice and recently her advice has been very helpful. I have this problem where I hate to make decisions so I try to make other people do them for me, try being the operative word. In things when I need to make my own choices I do, sometimes it's hard but I do it.

4. Sometimes you have to watch out for yourself. I have always, and probably will always, be the mom for my friends. I take care of them, and knowing that my friends are happy makes me happy. I'm not going to lie, I am an ultimate people pleaser. I hate thinking that people are mad at me or people are upset because of my actions. But watching out for other people means that I often put myself on the back burner. With Lindsay and all of her "problems" I have had to put myself on the back burner for a long time, 5 or 6 years almost. One thing I hate, absoluteley HATE, is when I am trying to talk to someone, simply so there is someone who is listening, and they listen to what I have to say and then tell me that their problems are worse. I don't fucking care how bad your problems are, who are you to diminish what I am feeling simply because it is not worse than what is wrong with you. (random bitter moment, I applogize)

5. No matter how much I tried to admit it would happen, I have changed since coming to Rose. When looking forward to college and thinking that I would change I refused to admit that it would happen simply because I only saw it as a bad thing, but it's not. I fail to see how the way I have changed is a bad thing. Honestly, I see it as a good thing. I am happier here (for the most part) than I have been in a long time.

6. All the people I got mad at, refused to listen to, and swore were wrong.... yeah, they were right. College is a time to find yourself, without being held down. I was presented with freedom that I was not accustomed to and I really enjoy it.

7. This isn't something I realized but something I need to work on. I need to be more upfront, let people know how I feel. I wait because I am afraid of what people will think or feel, but I need to learn to put myself out there and not be scared.

8. I really want things to work out. I know I just have to see where things go but I'm not going to lie, there is a way I would prefer for it to work out.

I think I officially ran out of things to say, hopefully the next entry will be less than a week away but as I mentioned, I suck at these things.

posted by Anne @ 12:29 AM 0 comments